on lowering our expectations, but not our standards

Many years ago, back when I was single and dating all the wrong men, I found myself at a friend’s home, complaining about my social life. “I just don’t get it,” I wailed. “I keep giving these men a chance, and every single time, I’m disappointed. Every. Time.”

“You know what your problem is.” He looked at me levelly, taking a long drag from his cigarette. “Your expectations are too high. You need to lower your expectations, but not your standards.”

“Lower my expectations, but not my standards.” I repeated his words slowly. As I said them, I felt a wave of exhaustion: I was so tired of being outraged all the time. “You might be onto something.”

“I am.” He smiled and took another drag. “If you lower your expectations, you’ll never be disappointed, and if they exceed your expectations, you’ll be pleased. But,” he grew serious, “that doesn’t mean you need to put up with people’s shit. Never lower your standards. Never.”

Although I’ve since lost touch with this friend, I’ve never forgotten his words. The truth is that his advice gives me a sense of power. By becoming clearer about my standards, I was able to completely lower my expectations, which meant I was no longer disappointed: if a man didn’t meet my (totally reasonable, by the way) minimum requirements, I could calmly, quietly, even kindly part ways. He was free to move on to find his soulmate, and I was free to move on to find mine. Even when the person I was dating fell so far below my standards as to be negligent or unkind, holding to my standards allowed me to plainly state what my standards were, how he failed to meet them, and then walk away, with minimal anger. It was glorious, actually. And eventually, I met Marcus, who not only exceeded my expectations, but he also exceeded my standards, and, well — we’re living happily ever after. It’s all worked out.

But even though it has been over 20 years since my wise friend gave me his counsel, I’ve been thinking about his words a lot lately. I don’t know about you, but every day, I read headlines about new, creative ways the current administration is punishing and erasing giant swathes of people, and new, innovative ways that the politicians in the opposition party seem to ignore it.

And again — I’m so tired of being outraged all the time.

But if I’ve learned anything over the past two decades, it’s that my friend’s words work for all sorts of relationships: personal ones, professional ones, and yes, even the relationships between elected officials and their constituents. So what if we started using these words as our mantra?

What if we lowered our expectations of politicians behaving the way we’d hope they’d do, out of the decency of their hearts, and instead, use our standards to hold them accountable, by calling, messaging, or voting them out of office, as necessary?

Or what if we lowered our expectations of the media sharing promising news with the same fervor for which they publish the negative, and instead, raised our own standards and committed to sharing those uplifting stories, the ones that exemplify interconnectedness, and kindness, and the triumph of goodness over cruelty or even fascism?

Or what if we lowered our expectations of activism as being fraught with misery and despair, and instead raised our standards around activism to include doing the things that give us joy in service of others, and revolutionary love, and helping the helpers?

What if?