when it’s time to re-engage

At the risk of jinxing everything, life is going relatively smoothly right now. I’ve been eating healthily. I’ve got a wonderful movement practice going that is making me feel good in my body. I’ve spent the last six weeks making shitty pottery, which, according to the latest research, is good for my brain. I’ve even been getting seven to eight hours of sleep every night. Life is generally good.

Which is why it didn’t make much sense that I’ve been having nightly stress dreams for a while now. You know the ones: the dream where you’re going about your day, and suddenly all of your teeth crumble out of your mouth. Or the one where you suddenly realize that it’s time for your final exams, and you haven’t attended a single class (I woke up in a cold sweat from this one, flooded with relief that I’m not actually in school anymore, and haven’t been for 30 years. Interestingly, in my dream, the classes that I’d been ignoring all semester long were the same classes my daughter is currently enrolled in at her university. There’s something Freudian about this, I’m sure). And most horrifyingly, the last stress dream I had involved being at a nightclub with the little sister of one of my daughter’s best friends, and suddenly a shooter came in and sprayed the place with bullets. Everyone started running, and as I was trying to flee, I kept making sure that this kid was safe and by my side, because how could I look my daughter’s friend in the face if I didn’t return with her sister healthy and alive? (When I bolted awake, the fact that I was safe in bed, I’m not in the habit of frequenting nightclubs, and my daughter’s friend doesn’t have a little sister in real life wasn’t enough to calm me for a good ten minutes.)

For a few days, I’ve been puzzled by all of these dreams, especially since I’m not feeling particularly stressed these days. Like, really puzzled. Why in God’s name am I being bedeviled by these horrifying dreams, when life is so good?

Then I clicked on CNN.com, as I do every day. Oh. Right.

In both my work and in my writing, I often talk about not feeling guilty about self-care: that part of activism is having a cadence of self-compassion so that when you re-engage, you’re feeling as healthy and as energized as possible, so you can do the work. And then, before burnout, you take a moment to inhale again. This cadence is how we build sustainability in the work. And I can’t help but wonder if these stress dreams are my body telling me that now that I’m feeling good, it’s time to re-engage with the causes that are important to me. That it’s time to move in, so that others can step back and rest a bit.

I look at all these kids on college campuses around the country, getting loud about what they believe in — these same kids who grew up in times of active shooter drills and pandemics, and yet they still take a stand, potentially putting themselves in harm’s way. I’m watching professors at these campuses link arms to protect them from arrest and police brutality. I notice doctors and aid workers going into dangerous places around the world to help the innocents receive health care and food, often at great risk to themselves. I see scientists screaming and crying into television cameras, trying to warn us about climate change.

And I notice that right now, here in my home, I’m feeling good in my body and mind.

To be clear, I am not suggesting that we all put ourselves in harm’s way (although, amazing, if you do). And I’m certainly not telling you which cause you should be activated around — Lord knows there are enough of them that need our help. But what I am suggesting is that if you, like me, are in a pretty decent place right now? Maybe that’s a sign that it’s time to look around and see where you might be of service.

Because service is how we ultimately make light.